THE TRUE ULTIMATE PERSONA 3 CRACK FIC!
by Roxius
Summary: This is the most random, insane thing I've ever written! Seriously! Check it out! Junpei's the main character, instead of the main antagonist this time! Please read and review! AS OF NOW...COMPLETE. If lucky, might make 4th extra chapter.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: NOW THIS IS MORE OF AN ULTIMATE PERSONA 3 CRACK FIC THAN THE FIRST ONE, IF I DARE SAY SO MYSELF! THE ORIGINAL ONE ACTUALLY HAD A PLOT, AND THIS ONE DOESN'T! SO ENJOY THE RANDOMNESS!

* * *

"...I finally understand."

Minato, Mitsuru and Akihiko all glanced up and saw Junpei hanging from the ceiling with a rope tied around his foot, and he seemed to be hastily writing something in a small pink notepad. A strange red fluid was dripping out from the bottom of the notebook, but no one paid any attention to it.

"I finally get it," he exclaimed, "It all makes perfect sense! I understand it! I understand! My mother understands, but she get no milk from da uddah because she got no uddah from my brudda who belonged to anudda mudda...ya dig?"

"What are you talking about?" Minato asked as he wiped off some mascara on his face.

"You see, Minato-chan," Junpei explained, "I have discovered that at the right angle, height and viewpoint, one can see a woman's breasts at five times their actual size! It's fucking amazing! It's so fucking amazing that if I called my mom and told her about it right now, she'd do it so she could see my other mom with tig ol' bitties!"

Akihiko gasped and covered his chest in embarrassment. Mitsuru was smiling pervertedly at him, and there was a very noticeable bulge in her pants. In fact, it was starting to move about, like it was alive or something.

Suddenly, a knife flew through the air and sliced the rope, causing poor Junpei to crash to the floor. Ken Amada walked out of the shadows, grabbed Junpei by the leg, and dragged him all the way up to the roof.

Smirking, he tossed Junpei off the side of the building and shouted, "SAYONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Fortunately for Junpei, he knew the secret art of flight: you put on a happy smile, spread out your arms, and wiggle your middle fingers. Sure enough, Junpei stopped himself from falling in midair and flew back up to the roof to deliver a can of whoop-ass on a bewildered Ken.

"NOW I'LL SHOW YOU." Junpei proclaimed as he turned into a Super Sayijan and tore Ken's body to pieces, leaving a pile of blood and organs in his place.

When the hat-wearing dork returned to the main floor of the dorm, he found Minato and Akihiko had been turned into Alaskan Tuna...and Mitsuru had turned into a giant fortress version of herself.

"Gah! I knew this would happen one day!" Junpei snarled.

Leaping high into the air, Junpei pressed his hands against his chest, and a powerful light began to shine around his body.

The Mitsuru-Fortress let out a roar and fired several laser beams from its nipples, but Junpei was easily hit with every shot.

A voice reminiscent to Koromaru's ran through Junpei's mind when he realized that his power was fully charged!

'Woof woof...use the fuckin' force!'

Staring happily at Mitsuru-Fortress' two giant metal breasts, Junpei threw his hand high and thundered, "**THIS HAND OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER! IT'S BURNING GRIP TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU! TAKE THIS; MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW!!**"

A huge formation of energy formed around Junpei's body, and he flew directly towards the sexy crevasse.

"**SHINING FINGER!!**"

Junpei thrust his hand forward and clenched down on Mitsuru-Fortress' left nipple...causing the machine to explode like a balloon, leaving an unconscious Mitsuru Kirijo in its death.

Glad he did a job well done, Junpei was about to award himself with some unsuspecting date rape when his cellphone rang.

"Hello?"

"Heeeeey, Junpie?"

"Ah! Wazzup, Chiedowi-chan?"

"Do you got zee dwugs at u place?"

"Damn hell, I do! Come on over and let's get...HIIIIIIIIIGH!"

Snapping his cellphone shut, Junpei threw it out the window and went upstairs to get ready for his big date.

As he passed by Fuuka's room, he happened to hear a strange noise coming from inside.

"Chika Chika Hii Hii! Chiki Chiki Hia Hia! Chii-Chii Hika Hika!"

Leaning against the door, Junpei whispered, "Fuuka...reay ouyay ouchingtay ourselfyay?"

No response, and then...

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Opstay ouchingtay ourselfyay!"

Since Fuuka couldn't understand a word Junpei was saying, she came to the door and opened it. She was wearing a full-body sheep costume, and Natsumi and Kenji were in her room, also wearing sheep costumes. Yukari was asleep on the bed, dressed in a wolf costume.

...There was an awkward silence.

"So what were you saying, Junpei-kun?" Fuuka asked.

"Otgay ouyay, itchbay!" Junpei replied, and then he pulled out his Evoker and shot Fuuka in the head, killing her.

"Itsay urningbay ipgray ellstay emay otay efeatday ouyay!" Junpei exclaimed triumphantly as he then ran to his room for real this time.

For his date with Chiedowi, Junpei simply removed all of his clothes and put on a Vic Mignogna mask to conceal his identity. Now that he was prepared, Junpei had a swagger in his step as he headed back downstairs.

'Time for some unsuspecting date rape!' Junpei thought with glee. Suddenly, as luck would have it, the doorbell rang as soon as he came down to the main floor. Opening the door, Junpei saw it was Chiedowi, who was completely naked and wearing a Karen Strassman mask to conceal her identity.

Unfortunately, the moment he let her in, Junpei's dreams of unsuspecting date rape were shattered...as HE was the one who ended up getting raped in the end! ...In his end, that is!

After that horrid moment, as he laid on the ground a twitching pathetic mess, and Chiedowi ran off with all his drugs, Junpei only had one thing to say:

"I should have used my Dan Woren mask. He always gets away with the unsuspecting date rape!"

"I doubt it..." Koromaru muttered as he walked by, a cigarette dangling from the side of his mouth.

Sighing, Junpei allowed the darkness to consume both him...and his burrito.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I don't own the song, the movie, or anything else I parody in this fucked up little fic. Their actual owners do.

* * *

_"...Junpei..."_

_"...Junpei..."_

_"...Junpei..."_

_"...Junpei..."_

_"...Junpei..."_

_"...Junpei...WAKE UP, MUTHAFUCKA!"_

* * *

Junpei Iori let out a gasp and sat up. He was sitting in a large snowy field, wearing his school uniform. A pair of black lace panties were lying on the ground beside him, but he didn't seem to notice it. Looking around wildly, he thought, 'That's weird; how the hell did I end up here? Last thing I remember was being sucked into darkness...AND MY BURRITO WAS STOLEN! THOSE BASTARDS!'

Getting to his feet, Junpei was planning to avenge his beloved Mexican food when he noticed a small boy walking by, a sled held tightly under his arm. The poor youngster looked like he was crying...

...So Junpei ran up, kicked the kid over, and stole his sled.

"HA HA HA! ROSEBUD IS MINE!" the hat-wearing bastard exclaimed joyfully as he ran through the snowy tundra as fast as he could, leaving the weeping child in his dust.

He didn't get very far when something huge burst out from the ground and blocked his path. It was over 20 feet tall and had long silky beautiful red hair. It was equipped with two giant metal breasts and glowing laser nipples. It was...the Mitsuru-Fortress.

"GODDAMMIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS THING?" Junpei shouted as he barely dodged one of the giant machine's signature nipple laser beams.

Since he had to wait about a month before he could accumulate enough power to use 'Shining Finger' again, Junpei spun around and ran in the opposite direction. No matter what, he couldn't risk losing Rosebud. It was all he had left...

"YOU FAGGOT, GIVE IT BACK! GIVE BACK ROSEBUD!" screamed the kid from earlier, who flew out of nowhere and landed a powerful kick to Junpei's face.

"GO, MONKEY, GO! GO, MONKEY, GO! GO, JOJOJO!"

As Mitsuru-Fortress continued to fire lasers at them, Junpei and the kid fought viciously over possession of the treasured sled.

Eventually, all of their pointless fighting came to a screeching halt when one of Mitsuru-Fortress' laser beams accidentally hit the sled, disintegrating it in Junpei's hands.

"Ahh...Ah...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! "

"C...C...C...C...CITIZEN KAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!"

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SPELL HIS NAME!"

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

That day, many a salesman wept for the loss of dear Rosebud...

--

"I'm so sorry...I wasn't able to stop this from happening..." Akihiko whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. Lying by his side was Shinjiro in drag, and a large bloody wound was evident on his chest. His skin was growing cold to the touch, and blood continued to pour out. There wasn't much time left for this poor, poor man.

Putting on a weak smile, Shinjiro wheezed, "D...Don't worry...you tried...you tried your best, right?"

Akihiko shook his head back and forth violently. "No! I didn't try my best! If I...if I had, you wouldn't be dying right now! It's all my fault! It's all my fault! I couldn't save you!"

Shinjiro lifted a pale, shivering hand and placed it on Akihiko's cheek. He was still smiling as he said, "A-Akihiko...you're...you're such a sweet boy. Always putting yourself in danger for others...but, you know...I'm glad that you aren't the one in my position right now..."

Akihiko clamped his hand over Shinjiro's and sobbed, "We're free and clear, baby...we're free and clear...we're free and clear..."

"Yes...t-thank you...Akihiko...live on for me..."

Shinjiro nodded once, and then his smile faded, his eyelids closed...and his hand slipped off Akihiko's cheek and fell to the ground, dead.

Akihiko just sat there and stared at the peaceful look on Shinjiro's face, silently glad that he was finally in a better place...

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.  
I can't remember it how  
I can't remember it why  
I'm lying here tonight  
And I can't STAND the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't STAND the pain_

CHORUS  
How could this happen to me  
I've made my mistakes  
got nowhere to run  
The night goes on as I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I wanna start this over again  
So I try to hold  
On to a time when  
Nothing mattered  
And I can't explain  
What happened and I can't erase the things that I've done  
No I can't

CHORUS  
How could this happen to me  
I've made my mistakes  
got nowhere to run  
The night goes on as I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes  
got nowhere to run  
The night goes on as I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me

_--_

"...I can't believe it's not butter!" Mitsuru remarked after drinking her fifth bottle of flaxseed oil. It was really starting to affect her, as the bottom-half of her body has now become that of a horse's.

"Hmm...I wanna fuck that girl..." Yukari muttered under her breath, and Aigis karate-chopped her in the neck to put the bi-lesbian chick back in her place.

Suddenly, Ryoji jumped through the window and landed on his face, screaming, "WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT DEATH STAR! WE GOT-"

"What the hell are you up to, Ryoji/Pharos/Nyx/Ashley/Nemo/Spongebob/Thanatos?" Fuuka asked the spazzing demon boy.

Picking himself up, Ryoji pulled a shard of glass out of his right eye and said, "You wanna know what I'm sayin', butch? Well, I'll tell ya: 私たち手に入れたはデススター!! 私たち手に入れたはデススター!! 私たち手に入れたはデススター!! 私たち手に入れたはデススター!!"

(If you want to know what he's saying, use Google Translate for all Japanese and/or foreign words that appear in this fic!)

'Ah! He's figured out my weakness,' Fuuka thought in shock, 'I'm Japanese...but I don't know how to speak a single word in Japanese! OH, ファック!'

Then, a hole opened up underneath Ryoji's feet, and he fell in. After about a minute, Ken Amada then rose out of the hole using the same flying technique that Junpei had performed in the first chapter.

"HA! I'VE REFORMED MY BODY AND LEARNED HOW TO FLY! WHO'S SMEXY NOW...BITCH!" Ken shouted, and a rattle snake shot out of his pants and flew into Yukari's shirt, but she didn't seem to mind it biting into her flesh. In fact, it ended up being a rather erotic moment for her.

"...Does this story even have a plot?" Mitsuru asked out loud.

Luckily, her question was soon to be answered by Minato, who entered the building...with Akihiko attached to his crotch.

"WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!"

"Everyone calm down!" Minato proclaimed, "I have the antidote that will revert everything to normal!"

"...An antidote?" Mitsuru exclaimed.

"...It'll revert everything?" Fuuka exclaimed.

"...Back to normal?" Yukari exclaimed.

"...Can I have a bi-shounen attached to my crotch, too?" Ryoji exclaimed.

"...How did you get back up here?" Ken exclaimed.

Minato shifted his hands through his pockets for a bit, but then Akihiko opened his mouth and pulled out a small vial with a green liquid in it, and he handed it to the blue-haired teen.

"The liquid inside this vial must be completely swallowed by the most insane one of us!" Minato explained as he tossed the vial back and forth between his hands in a dangerous matter, "This is the only vial of antidote left...if I drop it, we're all doomed!"

"Then stop messing around with it already!" everyone snapped when they saw Minato happily dangling the vial over the same pit Ryoji had fallen into/Ken had flown out of.

"...So, which one of us is the craziest?" Ken asked, but everyone, even Koromaru, knew the obvious answer to this question...

"JUNPEI!"


	3. Chapter 3

Continuing where we left off, Mitsuru and Yukari were having a heated argument within the Core Room inside a Death Star shaped like Ryoji's head. As usual, the two girls were blaming each other for having shitty love lives.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED THE COUSIN OF THE SON OF THE SISTER OF THE MAN I LOVED! YOU EVIL CONNIVING BITCH!" Yukari screamed as she stuffed handful after handful of marshmallows in her mouth to ease the pain.

Instead of a witty retort, Mitsuru just chuckled and shook her head. "Takeba, you just don't get it..."

"What? What don't I get?" Yukari snapped.

Still chuckling, Mitsuru reached up and grabbed her face. Pulling hard, she removed it, revealing herself to actually be...

...herself, only now without a face.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU DON'T GET!" Mitsuru screamed before jumping headfirst into the core.

"She's right," Yukari muttered with a sigh, "I don't get it at all..."

Then, the space station exploded, and all that was left floating through the empty void was a single Evoker...

--

"WE GOTTA BE SERIOUS!"

This is what Minato said as he and a camel were busy driving a giant X-Box to win a race designed specifically for handicapped people.

"I hear what you're saying!"

This is what Akihiko replied as he was busy gutting a live Pelican with his right foot.

"We can't be doing crazy things anymore!"

This is what Fuuka exclaimed as her eyes turned into giant dicks that a fat man named Sally started to suck on violently.

Junpei teleported through the front door, saw all of this and cried, "HOLY SHIT, NOW THIS FIC IS JUST GETTING SCARY!"

"Junpei, you need to drink this!" Minato said, and he tossed the vial right at Junpei's face.

Unfortunately, the hat-wearing bastard dodged at the last second, and the vial with the antidote hit the wall and shattered into pieces.

"OH, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!"

Junpei was fearful that his "friends" would throw more things at him, so he quickly rushed out the door and ran down the street. He even slid underneath a van without stopping just so he could get away.

"Argh! We have to capture him!" Minato exclaimed.

"Don't worry," Ken said, "I have an idea!"

Sitting down, Ken stuck his legs out forward and held his hands like he was holding a steering wheel. Then, he drove out into the street and followed Junpei as fast as possible, his little body floating several inches off the ground.

"JUNPEI...PULL OVER NOW! YOU'RE OVER THE DRINKING LIMIT!" Ken called out.

Junpei, who was drinking four bottles of beer at once, looking over his shoulder and slurred, "RRAAAHHH! DO YER WEEERST, COPPERS!"

Ken gasped. 'These aren't the droids I'm looking for!' he realized before ramming headfirst into an oncoming ice cream truck, causing a massive nuclear explosion that eradicated the entire city...

--

"これは、ドーンオブザ歳のみずがめ座!"

"Fuuka, is that the only thing you can say in Japanese?"

"Pretty much..."

Shinjiro and Fuuka were lying in bed together, having a nice chat after a long delicious night of lesbian sex.

"...Wanna fight?"

"Sure!"

The moment Fuuka agreed, she and Shinjiro both leaped high into the air and pulled out pistols from out of nowhere. Aiming them at each other, they both fired at the same time. All the bullets collided and flew off-course harmlessly...except for one, which bust through Fuuka's head and killed her.

However, even dead, she still wasn't defeated. Holding up her right hand, it began to morph and deform until it had taken the form of a long black sword, similar to Ichigo Kurosaki's Bankai.

"FUCK! NO FAR! I LEFT MY BANKAI AT JUNPEI'S PLACE!" Shinjiro cried, before Fuuka sliced him in half with a single swing of her blade.

Chuckling, Fuuka licked the blood off her blade and joked, "These are NOT the droids you were looking for..."

--

Ryoji was huffing and puffing as he ran through the spiraling cylinder chamber as fast as he could. Close behind was a giant Wii, which continued to chant completely ridiculous things like "Persona 4 should be on the Wii" and "Obama Vs. McCain is no contest".

"YOU LIE!" Ryoji shouted, and he did a backflip to kick the giant Wii in the face...but he just landed in its mouth instead.

"NO, RYOJI! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB THE DONUT!" Aigis called out to him from the sidelines.

Suddenly, a giant Chinese dragon burst out of the ground from underneath the Wii and tore it apart, freeing Ryoji...who then fell into the dragon's mouth.

"OH, FUCK IT ALL!"

"UH...ALRIGHT! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT!"

--

Walking into his bedroom, Junpei sat down at his desk, opened up the Internet, and went to Youtube.

'Hmm...what video was it I wanted to watch again?'

He started to type in 'Dumpster Diving', but then a video for the trailer of 'W.', a movie about George Bush, came on.

Junpei tried to click back, he even tried to close the window or turn off his computer, but the trailer just kept playing over and over. There was no stopping it!

'W...W...W...W...W...W!!'

"AHH...AHH...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Screaming like a constipated wiener dog, Junpei jumped out of the window and landed face-first in a dumpster.

'Fuck! I should have taped this!' the hat-wearing man thought before a garbage truck drove off the road and ran right into the dumpster.

--

_Five hundred years ago, on an ancient moon, a advanced civilization awoke from its slumber. his civilization was like one none have ever seen, as all living organisms have converted their life force into immortal robot bodies. They are cool...they are hip...they are..._

_...THE AIGIS-RANGERS!_

"Are you ready, Aigis-2?" asked Aigis-1.

"Yes. Are you ready, Aigis-1?" asked Aigis-2.

Aigis-1 nodded, and then she removed her pants and set them on fire.

"Now, let us go!"

Aigis-2 nodded, and the two robots flew off, leaving the pants to burn...

* * *

_Now, back to the story (if we actually had one)..._

"Sorry about Rosebud...he was a good horse..." Junpei told the boy as he treated him to a beer at the local Russian bar.

"Um...Rosebud was a sled." the boy replied.

Junpei shrugged and muttered, "Whatever...I still get paid either way..."

As the bartender placed the glass of beer in front of the boy, Junpei snatched it and poured it down his own pants.

"WTF? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" the boy cried in despair.

Junpei giggled and shook around a bit as he said, "Because...it makes me feel all tingly down there..."

Rolling his eyes, the boy got up and left.

Junpei messed around "down there" for a bit longer until the Mitsuru-Fortress came crashing through the building, killing everyone except for Junpei himself.

"WHY? WHY WON'T YOU DIE? WHY?" Junpei screamed at it, tears flowing down his bi-shounen cheeks.

Reaching into its pocket, the Mitsuru-Fortress pulled out a small box of chocolate and handed it to Junpei, who was stunned when he realized they were all caramel chocolates. He was allergic to caramel.

"You...you bought these for me?" Junpei asked. Mitsuru-Fortress blushed and nodded slightly.

Junpei was shocked. Not because a Llama head was now sticking out of Mitsuru's left breast nipple, but because of the giant evil monster's true feelings for him.

'Amazing! So...all this time, she was showing her love for me by trying to kill me! Now I get it! Now I get it!'

Jumping into the air, Junpei pulled out a bomb and threw it into Mitsuru-Fortress' mouth as he screamed, "NOW I UNDERSTAND! I UNDERSTAND YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

The bomb detonated, and Mitsuru-Fortress was killed from the inside.

"Thank you," Junpei whispered as he watched the mechanical titan fall, "Thank you for everything...my twilight."

Turning his back to the many dead bodies that laid in the waste, Junpei knew what he had to do...he was going back home to fully honor the death of the only woman/machine that ever truly loved him.

'I will never forget how much you cared about me, Curious George. I will never forget...'

"STOP MOPING ALREADY!"

Junpei spun around and let out a gasp when he saw Minato, Mitsuru, Yukari, Akihiko, Ken, Koromaru, Fuuka, Aigis, Metis, Evil Junpei, Spongebob, a rock and Laharl, from Disgaea.

"W...What are you guys, doing here?" Junpei asked.

"We've come to fetch you, Junpei-san. Gomenai-sai-Somechan!" Spongebob explained, but Akihiko shot him in the head for his insolence.

"Junpei, we know you're sad," Minato said, holding out the vial from last chapter, "But we need you to drink this...and return everything back to normal."

"Will...will it bring back Curious George?" Junpei asked hopefully.

Minato shook his head. "Fuck no. Stop living in a fuckin' dream world and drink the fuckin' juice already."

Shrugging, Junpei grabbed the vial and swallowed it completely.

"Uh...you only needed to drink the liquid inside." Akihiko pointed out, but Junpei just bleched and felt rather cheery.

After a few minutes of silence, Mitsuru asked, "So...is everything back to normal?"

"I'd say so..." Ken remarked as he watched Evil Junpei, Spongebob's corpse, Laharl and Metis vanish from reality. Oddly enough, the rock was still around.

"My powers are too great to be affected by something so meaningless as that potion! I will soon rule this plan!" the rock exclaimed before warping away.

"Well...let's go home!" Yukari said. Junpei just laughed and then shot Yukari in the face, but no one seemed to pay much mind to that.

And so, with light hearts and smiling faces, the gang headed back home...to fight Godzilla.

**_THE END_**


End file.
